Bonus Post: Dance Recital Play-By-Play

To cope with watching interminably long dance recitals, Bryan texts a group of friends his take on the show. Here, for your edification and amusement, we present the play-by-plays from last year and this year.


2018 Play-By-Play
I know you guys weren't lucky enough to get tickets to Ms. Lyn's dance recital today, so I'm taking it upon myself to give you guys a play by play. You're welcome.

Act 2, the 3 year old group. Highlights: grumpy girl with a pacifier doesn't move the whole dance. Only boy tries to jump off stage. Twice. But my favorite, somewhere in this auditorium are two parents who paid $200 to watch their daughter stand and cry on the right side of the stage for 2 minutes before getting carried off.

Act 8, Olivia is up. Botches 2 plies and pirouettes when she was supposed to blasse. 3/10. I show no bias.

Act 14. some 16 year olds aggressively dance ballet at us. In related news, it turns out it is possible to aggressively dance ballet.

Act 18... Not sure if I just watched a genuinely good tap performance, or if the rest of this has just broken my ability to identify good entertainment.

Act 24, some 11 year olds ruin Elvis for me forever.

Act 25, the boys dance. All 6 of them 100% miserable. Fathers, I know it's 2018, but some things are just meant for girls only.

Act 29, the same 11 year olds ruin 80s pop for me. I'm going to find these girls when this is done...

I kid you not, some dad 2 rows in front of me must've just watched his daughter's last one, cuz he got out his 3DS and is playing smash bros. It's going to be really hard to focus from here on in.

Act 31, dad's Link gets crushed by a DK. Not sure if they Wi-Fi is bad and he's lagging or if he's just really bad. Err, I mean, dancing happened...

Act 34, if you are creative enough, you can choreograph a classic ballet to many different kinds of music. African bongos is not one of them.

Couple behind us:
Mom: Here comes Zoey!
2 year old: *continued crying*
Mom: She's gonna tumble, look! Just lo-
Dad: He doesn't care, Cheryl.

It's halftime. The 3 year olds are for sure ahead, as predicted, but getting a much better fight from the oldest group than anticipated. We'll have to see what the second half brings. I am ready to declare a loser, though. 11 year olds. Too old to get a pass for sucking, but still young enough to suck. Surprised it's only halftime? These are a marathon, not a sprint. You guys are 100% my flask.

I think 3DS dad is getting yelled at by anti-3DS wife. So I don't think that'll be back. Also, I've been informed that there have only been 24 dances. Turns out my counting was very liberal.

And after a 15 minute break WE'RE BACK BABY! Stupid 11 year olds up first...

Act 25 in the books. The effort is there. The talent is not.

Act 27, we have a Gretchen sighting. I gotta say, proud dad moment, she carried the team. Super awkward facial expressions. During a partner spin, almost knocks her partner over all 4 times, this coming after a near hand-to-the-face. Then none of them would leave when the dance ended. We have a new front runner.

Act 28, dancing probably happened amidst the sequins, glitter, and strobe lights, but I can't confirm as much. If I ever recover from the seizure I just had, I'll give you my eval.

I'm soldiering this thing out. We are leaking parents, though. Every dance about 20 people have seen the last dance their daughter is in and peace out.

Act 32. True Colors. Such a pretty song. Just a good, soulful, pleasant song. Ruined.

Act 33. I think I just watched a Donna Summer 1974 home workout routine fro 40 year old moms performed by 14 year old girls. I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel right now.

Act 42, Olivia is in this twice, apparently! Some redemption for the eldest Barhorst as it was a solid performance, but it isn't going to scratch what her sister did.

That's a wrap, gents. I was ready to give it to the old group, but the kindergartners stole it in the 2nd. Good game, everyone. Good game. Thanks for letting me blow up your phones. I needed you more than you needed me.


2019 Play-By-Play
Gentlemen, it's that wonderful time of the year. Better than the World Series, more anticipated than Christmas. I am, of course, talking about Ms. Lyn's ballet and tap recital, giving men everywhere a reason to look forward to Mother's Day since 1992. For those of you who did not secure your ticket in time, fear not, as I'll be providing the play by play for the whole 2.75 freaking hours long these things go.

Kickoff is at 6:00. Reply with unsubscribe to opt out of future updates.
*choruses of subscribe, one question about the over/under of songs Bryan knows*

To answer that over/under we have to first answer the over/under on how many songs there even are. Last year was somewhere between 30 and 1000. After 30 you kind of lose the will to live and lose count. My parents bought a program. 43 songs. I bet I recognize about 22 as we go, I promise I hate all 43 by the end. This thing is a money making machine. I'm literally paying them so I can be miserable right now. Never have girls.

And we're off. I feel like I recognize a lot of the girls from last year. If they've gotten better I can't tell... Also, the guy two chairs to my right is shamelessly watching a basketball game. I'm literally 2 feet away from not paying any attention to the stage.

Tiny tots. The perennial favorite. Not one of them left of center even moved with the exception of grumpy girl who got too caught up in the excitement of clapping for a second, but then caught herself and resumed being grumpy.

Song 4, the preschoolers, right most girl steals it. The routine opened with some jumps and there was just no off switch. You wanted jumps and she jumped. For 2 minutes.

This unfortunately concludes the genuinely enjoyable part of the program. Everyone else is too old to be funny but too young to be good.

Song 7. Didn't think you could dance a ballet to "I Need a Hero"? Think again. Actually don't. Your first instinct was correct. It was terrible.

Song 10. Telephone. So much angst and aggression in the dance moves. Very feisty. Super in your face. If you're envisioning the dancers in black leather with some sassy red, you were close: pink ballroom gowns.

Song 14. Generic interpretive dance #5. Here's the formula: Pretend you got shot. Die in slow motion. Get up and repeat 11 more times, except the last time instead of getting up roll around on the ground for 30 seconds. Lights fade. Girls exit. Dads regret everything.

In related news, my dad is to my right and only one seat away from phone sports guy. My dad's gonna buy him a beer after this, he's so happy.

We've got an Olivia. Her group has cans of hairspray and do thur hurr throughout the song. I need to work with Olivia on her aim with an aerosol can. Blasted the whole right side of her face. Spent most of her time rubbing her right eye and trying to get the taste out of her mouth. It was perfect.

Gretchen right after. All I'll say about her is that she's gloriously uncoordinated and I love it.

And it's halftime. Score is Sadness and Broken Dreams: 20, Bryan: 0.

Some guy: Is Rachel in any more dances?
Wife: She's in the finale.
Some guy: Do I have to stay for that?

We're back and we've got tumbling. You know how in gymnastics in the floor routine they slowly build up speed then fluidly transition into their cartwheels and flips? Well this is the exact opposite of that. Full sprint to the middle of the mat, stop completely, do a crappy somersault, get up, and resume dead sprint off stage.

I just watched 12 year old girls in suspenders dancing to "Workin' for the Weekend." Younger versions of myself are so disappointed in what I'm doing with my life right now.

One amendment to my interpretive dance formula: Do everything I said while pretending there is a fireworks display going on overhead and each one violently catches your attention and makes you feel like someone murdered a puppy.

Gretchen's back. She's been front and center both dances and the teachers must just know what we want, because she's easily the most lost out of all of them and it's wonderful to behold. Right there. Dead middle. Not doing anything anyone else is doing.

Not sure which is worse, this remix of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" or the accompanying dance.

I feel like there had to have been a wardrobe miscommunication somewhere. The same pink ballgowns I complained about earlier are back, this time to the 70s disco hit "You Should be Dancing."

Olivia round 2... It breaks my heart to say nothing terrible happened. They all danced as gracefully as 8 year olds can. *sniffs* I'll always have the hairspray to the eye moment, at least.

Annnnd the list of country songs I can listen to is down to 4. "Country Girl (Shake it for Me)," we had a good run, but the 15 year olds tap dancing in overalls is something I can't unsee.

Curtain drops, nothing notable on the finale piece. Til next year, boys.