Bonus Post: Dance Recital Notes

Gretchen and Kaitlyn had a dance recital, and you all know what that means... It's time for Bryan's Play-By-Play!

Question: How do you make the most wonderful time of the year even more wonderful? Answer: Sit down to a 3 hour little girl dance recital, of course! It's the 2019 Miss Lyn's Jazzed Up Nutcracker and the house is packed with semi-obligated-to-watch parents and grandparents. Luckily for those of you without a ticket, I'm here for the play by play. Option #1 is don't go. #2 is drink myself stupid. But as I'm a semi-obligated parent and have to drive my kids home after this, option #3 is to make everyone else share a fraction of my misery. Now shut up, it's starting.

False alarm, turns out this is just pre-show Christmas hype music. Ironically this song and the still drawn curtain is probably the best performance I'll get to witness today.

Act 1 is in the books. You really forget how bad these are in the six months between sitting down for them...

Song 2 and I have no idea what I just watched. Nine year old dresses up like reindeer-elf and does the drunken robot? Thankfully the speakers they're using were installed in 1972, so I can just give her the benefit of the doubt and say it was in time to the music.

We have a Gretchen sighting! She is standing way too close to the girl next to her. Also, they're going for the oompa loompa up and down bob move, and I'm not sure when people become capable of that, but can now say with confidence that it comes after the age of 6.

There is some dad in a silver cape that keeps coming on stage and awkwardly carrying girls away. If this were anything buy a dance recital someone would have called the cops by now.

Dance fight! The classic rivals, mice vs nutcrackers. I'll let you know who wins.

...Yikes. So the mouse gets stabbed and her mouse friends cry over her dead body and they played the "Fatality" sound bite from Mortal Kombat. When the DVD comes later we might have to fast forward through that so Kaitlyn doesn't get nightmares.

The preschoolers, perennial favorites, so much to unpack. One girl does nothing the whole song. Another hides in her hands cuz she's scared, but also kind of does her dance. But easily the best, one girl has her own big girl assigned to her to keep her from wandering away. It only kinda works. Brava, preschoolers, brava.

Song 15, called in the program "Snowflakes a Flutter." Could have just as easily been titled "Arm Flapping in Tutus set to Acoustic Guitar."

Sassy bumblebees dance to hip-hop remix of Jingle Bells. I do not remember that from the original Nutcracker. I also don't remember the Arabian belly dance number. (*Carroll supplies link of Arabian belly dance in original Nutcracker*) Lol, well color me wrong. By the way, belly dances can be done by 5 year olds because it's hilarious and adorable, or adult women because it's sexy. When 14 year old girls do it it's just awkward all around. Nobody wins.

The youngins are back and basically just doing jumping jacks to the one recognizable song from the Nutcracker. Super glad I paid like $300 for my girls to be a part of this. (Carroll: *enrolls Genevieve in MMA*) I do take some solace in knowing I'm no longer the only one with daughters... (Alan: *Sends gif of happy Bender dancing).

So they almost always do this running leap thing and this one poor girl... She ran and thought about leaping but hesitated, so ran some more, but hesitated, then needed speed for her leap... But was out of room. Ended in a sad hop. Very disappointed in herself. Her moment was too big for her. There's always next year, little girl.

It is the 30th song today with sparkles and twirling, so I will take this moment to mention that Kaitlyn did come on right after the preschoolers but was disappointingly pretty good. She can off-balance foot stomp with the best of them.

Man, I need to watch the original before I come to another one of these, because ten little girls just ran out from a big girl's skirt that's the size of a tent and I'm just lost. I am not picking up the narratives being laid down.

They're bringing them all back out for the 10 minutes long "take a bow" dance. With this one wrapping up, I'm left with one final thought. For all the effort I put into keeping my commentary fresh, you must remember that every dance could really be boiled down to the same four words: Glitter skipping and suck. That'll do it for me, gents. See you on Mother's Day. And Alan, may God bless you with nothing but granddaughters.

And some notes from Johannah at the second show:
1. You forgot to mention how interminably long the snowflake dance was.
2. Did the disco ball keep flashing right in your eyes?
3. Weird chipmunk laughing noises during the love duet?
4. My little angels (the tiny tots) got distracted by the gold glittery stuff on the floor. At least three grabbed fistfuls before finding their spots.
5. The belly dancer is super athletic.
6. Gretchen is not. I'm currently wondering if she even knows how to run.